A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie.
"But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well -- only double."
The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited.
"But every lawyer in the world has just recieved $20,000,000," the genie said. "I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish." Instantly a Ferrari appeared.
"But every lawyer in the world has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?" "Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney...
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Thursday, February 8, 2007
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
I just like to hear it...
One day the phone rang in the law office of Dewey, Cheatham and Howe.
"Dewey, Cheatham & Howe, may I help you?" The caller asked,
"I want to speak with Mr. Dewey."
"We regret to inform you sir that Mr.Dewey died just yesterday."
"Oh, is that right? Good-bye." Every day for the next two weeks the same man called back, and the same exchange occurred.
Finally, the receptionist said, "Sir, I told you that Mr. Dewey died. Why do you keep calling?"
The man replied, "I just like to hear it."
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"Dewey, Cheatham & Howe, may I help you?" The caller asked,
"I want to speak with Mr. Dewey."
"We regret to inform you sir that Mr.Dewey died just yesterday."
"Oh, is that right? Good-bye." Every day for the next two weeks the same man called back, and the same exchange occurred.
Finally, the receptionist said, "Sir, I told you that Mr. Dewey died. Why do you keep calling?"
The man replied, "I just like to hear it."
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Tuesday, February 6, 2007
God Grants Wishes
The night before a couple were about to be married, they both were killed in a car accident. They arrived in Heaven and asked St. Peter if they could still get married.
The couple were called in to actually see God. God spoke, 'I will grant you your wish. But not right now. It may be a few days or a few years, but I will allow you to be married.'
Five years came and went and the couple were finally call upon to get married. After one day of wedding 'bliss', they went back to God to see if they could get a divorce. They were sure the marriage would not last.
God spoke, 'It took me five years to finally get a priest in Heaven. Do you have any idea how much longer it will be until we get a lawyer?!'
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The couple were called in to actually see God. God spoke, 'I will grant you your wish. But not right now. It may be a few days or a few years, but I will allow you to be married.'
Five years came and went and the couple were finally call upon to get married. After one day of wedding 'bliss', they went back to God to see if they could get a divorce. They were sure the marriage would not last.
God spoke, 'It took me five years to finally get a priest in Heaven. Do you have any idea how much longer it will be until we get a lawyer?!'
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Happy Valentines Day
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a very well-dressed, middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on a huge stack of bright pink envelopes.
Each envelope had hearts all over it.
The man then took out a perfume bottle and sprayed scent all over the envelopes.
His curiosity getting the better of him, the guy goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why would you want to do that?"
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.
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Each envelope had hearts all over it.
The man then took out a perfume bottle and sprayed scent all over the envelopes.
His curiosity getting the better of him, the guy goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why would you want to do that?"
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.
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The Talking Frog
A girl walked along the beach when she heard a voice saying, "Hey, kiss me! I am a changed lawyer." The girl looked in the direction of the voice and saw a frog. The frog said, "Yes, I am talking. Kiss me!"
The girl took the frog and put it into her handbag. Later that day she showed the frog to a friend. The frog complained, "Come on! Kiss me! You will not regret it!"
The girl put the frog back into her handbag.
When she showed the frog to the next friend the frog said, "Why do you not kiss me. I will make you rich!" But the girl put the frog back into her handbag. When she showed the frog to her third friend the frog said, "Maybe you do not understand me. I told you I am a changed lawyer. If you kiss me I will make you rich."
Now the girl answered, "Why should I. A lawyer is worth nothing. There are so many of them. But a talking frog is cool."
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The girl took the frog and put it into her handbag. Later that day she showed the frog to a friend. The frog complained, "Come on! Kiss me! You will not regret it!"
The girl put the frog back into her handbag.
When she showed the frog to the next friend the frog said, "Why do you not kiss me. I will make you rich!" But the girl put the frog back into her handbag. When she showed the frog to her third friend the frog said, "Maybe you do not understand me. I told you I am a changed lawyer. If you kiss me I will make you rich."
Now the girl answered, "Why should I. A lawyer is worth nothing. There are so many of them. But a talking frog is cool."
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The Dead Law Partner
One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends -- fellow partners that she had worked with -- and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf, and at night they went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.
She had a great time and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up. St. Peter came and got her and said, "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her fellow law partners were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage, and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're an associate."
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"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends -- fellow partners that she had worked with -- and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf, and at night they went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.
She had a great time and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up. St. Peter came and got her and said, "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her fellow law partners were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage, and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're an associate."
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Here's your fee schedule
Lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.
"Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.
"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.
"Your right. It's mine."
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"Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.
"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.
"Your right. It's mine."
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Monday, February 5, 2007
Consultation Fees
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely.""Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
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The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely.""Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
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